Drama Queen

Yes, that's me. I have discovered a recent penchant for nearly fainting. I say nearly, as both times it has happened in the last 24 hours I have had the clarity of mind to think "unless I sit down now, I shall fall over unconscious". And then I sit, rather than fall down.

My first error was to attempt to walk the dogs, because it actually turned out that they walked me. I took them into my shop to introduce Yoda to my colleagues. Buddy is already a big hit with them. They agreed that he is much cuter than Yoda. And Yoda is a lot fatter.

On the way back we took the canal towpath (I was literally towed) - full of hooting coots near the lock. Very cute. And then the flight of stairs to get back up to the street where I left the car. I got to the top and my legs felt like lead. I sat down and breathed deeply, trying not to hyperventilate myself into unconsciousness. A lovely, lovely man in a van pulled over to check I was OK. He volunteered to call me an ambulance - I declined because I could feel my composure coming back. But he was a saint for stopping.

The second incident was today. I went home for lunch and I got back into my car to drive back to work, and it was roasting. I opened the windows and opened the sunroof and put the (broken) air conditioning on, but by the time I had driven back and parked, I was feeling woozy and light-headed, and couldn't stand up.

I called the doctor - unfortunately the doctor I spoke to was the one whose usefulness I rate as being about as good as a chocolate fireguard, but she managed to reassure me it was normal.

I feel anything but normal!

Yesterday night I listened to the birthing affirmations CD and the rainbow relaxation CD to kick-start my hypnobirthing experience. The affirmations felt good to say, and I felt that over time they could replace some of the negatives that are associated with birthing for me at the moment.

The rainbow relaxation was something else. I don't remember there being any colours involved at all. I was out like a light before we even got as far as red! I wonder if it will have a similar effect this evening.

Mmmmmmm. Chinese foody smells are filling my nostrils. Mal must have made dinner.

Yoda and the Chicken

I only have 13 shifts to go! I thought it was 14. Happy, happy, happy day! I have today off too. And the sun appears to be shining. For the moment...

I am being stared at by two sets of big brown eyes - not just the usual pair. Buddy's sister has stayed over with us last night. She belongs to The Mothership. Buddy often stands there, staring at you, unblinkingly, a bit like the chicken from Wallace and Gromit. His sister looks a little more dopey - her ears are slightly bigger, and are more prone to pointing out sideways when she's tired, that makes her look like Yoda.

Buddy knows that just because humans are eating does not mean that he will have food. Yoda does not understand this, and at the vague hint of anyone being near the kitchen, will enter at a canter, screech to a halt, and sit there, begging.

She has much worse manners than Buddy. I am so proud of the way we trained him. I sincerely hope that we have as much luck training Mal Jr to be a polite and interesting member of society.

I want to give my mother away

She managed to insult Mal by alluding to the fact that he had put on weight. One thing you must understand about my mother is that she equates her self-worth in how much or how little she weighs. She then thinks this is acceptable to extend to other people.

My sister has PCOS. As a side effect of this, she finds it difficult to lose weight. You can imagine how popular our mother's comments are with her. My mother made comments about me when I was trying on the sample in the shop of the wedding dress I had chosen: "That one gives you back fat". It was the sample and two sizes too small for me... She made a similar comment (to the one that offended Mal) to my brother. Who had the same reaction as Mal. And still she pressed ahead in offending Mal. I don't think she has tried offending my other brother as she knows he'd tell her where to stick it.

Honestly, the woman is a liability. I am beyond furious with her.

We went to a lovely barbecue-cum-banquet with some of Mal's colleagues last night - we had to schlep to the middle of nowhere, and then find the Middle of Nowhere's village green. Upon which there was a house that was beautiful, and built circa 1500 with nooks and crannies and timbers and odd angles and things to discover. The garden was exactly the same, with undiscovered bits and woodland and paths that led between them, and a lake with some baby moorhens, and a wooden playhouse and an orchard. It was just delightful, along with the company. And the mountains of food.

I am now surrounded by dogs (Buddy's sister has come to stay) and Mal, and laptops, and Top Gear. Oh happy evening.

Ignorance and rudeness

I wanted to combust in a puff of purple smoke and never return today. Just vapourise and be at one with the air. To disappear. I felt humiliated, angry, hurt and offended.

Brief synopsis: I work in a shop. Selling clothes. I have a baby-related back problem. This means I cannot stand for 8 hours a day like I used to. Rather than take a massive amount of time off sick (unpaid), I have been thrown the lifeline of work hiring me a wheelchair for a while to help me out. It's great. I can sit down on the job. I can do everything I used to.

People are often less rude to me when I try and engage them in conversation when I am sat in my chair than they would be if I were stood up next to them. I don't know what difference it makes that I have wheels now, but there is a difference. I think it's great. Until today.

I was dealing with someone on the phone from head office - I was at the till point, taking one for the team and letting Head Office chew my ear off about a transaction someone on the team hadn't put through correctly, and have someone remotely log on to the till and correct it.

Another member of staff was waiting by the till to use the phone on behalf of a lady customer. After I got off the phone I wheeled myself to the back of the store and went out to back of house. I was a few minutes then came back.

The team were all stood there, being silent and sort of "trying to act normal when there was an elephant in the room". I asked them what was up, and they told me that the woman had asked in shock and horror "how can she possibly work in a wheelchair?" She then muttered something to one of the girls that she shouldn't bother making the phonecall as it didn't matter. There was another few muttered sentences about it being "despicable" and "disgraceful" as she left the store in a hurry.

I now feel like a freakshow on wheels. There was no way she meant it in a pitying tone ("poor girl, forced to work...") according to the 4 people who overheard her remarks. It sounded to all of them that it was more like "I think it's disgusting that your company hires disabled people". I feel hurt, angry, and upset. With a fair dose of humiliation.

I really feel like I don't want to go to work tomorrow. 2 months of no numpties and I've been fine. One person goes and ruins it all.

16 to go...

Had an amazing time...

Had a great time at the hotel we went to for our anniversary. Got upgraded to one of the suites for the night - bed was massive, bathroom was bigger than the ground floor of our house, complete with roll-top tub with room for two, rubber duckies a waterproof TV and remote control and fluffy towelling robes. Downstairs had a sofa, TV and reading chair.

Had a lovely treatment where they poured hot oil all over my skin and wrapped me up like a turkey, whilst polishing my face clean. Bliss!

Buddy enjoyed himself too - he went to stay with the mothership who has his sister. We have had a "dead dog" all evening today because he has been so very tired.

On Sunday we had a really good beginning to our hypnobirthing experience. We are doing the class with some other couples, who all seem lovely. I am waiting for a copy of the CD and the book which the kind lady instructor will drop over this week. It all seems like common sense in a "why doesn't anyone tell you that?" sort of way. Watching the video was just astonishing. It was like someone was lying in a pool doing some breathing exercises and just happened to float out a baby. I'm sold. I can't wait to go over the breathing exercises and get properly relaxed.

I feel so relaxed and happy from having had 2 and a bit days off work. I shall try not to let it faze me, and be all "Zen Master" about it, and see how I fare. 18 working days to go. I cannot wait to spend my maternity leave as relaxed and happy as this. It's going to be bliss.*

I've felt relatively pain-free over the past 2 days as well. Long may it continue. I think it's because I've been going at my own pace rather than having it dictated for me.

* I now reserve the right to tell anyone that I would rather not listen to their scare stories, their horror stories, their bad experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, or a general negative attitude. Thank you.

The light at the end of the tunnel...

19 to go! Only 19 shifts remain of my pre-baby working life. Bit scary, bit exciting, but it's the only thing keeping me going at the moment. That and the fact that Mal has surpassed himself and for our first anniversary, booked us in at a luxury spa hotel, and arranged that I get cocooned in a load of mud and have my face polished clean for a whole 90 minutes. Being a good wife, I have reciprocated and arranged for some hardcore pain for him in the form of a swedish back neck and shoulder massage. Hmm.

My ever-growing bump is starting to really feel stretched - earlier on today I was starving hungry but had that post-large-dinner "Oh my god I feel like a balloon" feeling like I had eaten too much. I'm feeling a bit like that now.

Tomorrow I have 2 hours of work before I get some paid time off to go to an antenatal class. I'm doing hypnobirthing. This involves figuring out what I'm scared of about the whole thing, and unpicking those fears, finding out why, and dealing with all of that, and then being able to get myself into a deeply relaxed state which I can then access when I go into labour. It has been proven that mothers who use hypnobirthing techniques need less pain relief in labour, which I think is a good thing for me. So tomorrow is about learning to hypnotise myself, followed by a nice trip on Monday to a Spa hotel and chilling out for 24 hours. Bliss!

Had a good day at work today - laughed a lot and the shop took quite a bit of money. We did our weekly target so it will make next week a bit easier. I hate being in "sale" mode - it's like manning a stall at a jumble sale.

As much as I think I'm going to enjoy the hypnobirthing experience, I don't know how much Mal is going to enjoy it or buy into it. He's not really into alternative therapies much, so I don't know how much of a culture shock it's likely to be for him. It doesn't involve techonology, or need things with require batteries, or plug into the mains, and you don't hit it r make music with it, so it's already on the back foot. I hope he gets something out of it. I'm sure he'll blog it if he thinks it all a bunch of hippy claptrap!

why is it always a fight?

I need time off on Sunday to attend a hypnobirthing class. Basically, hypnobirthing is examining your fears surrounding childbirth, unpicking them, and getting yourself into a deep state of relaxation that you can access when the time comes and you have pain to deal with. A lot of people manage drug-free (or at least drug minimal) labours as a result.

Work are being funny about it. Grrrr.

I am sick of fighting for everything.